I went to Craig and Brett's wedding this evening. It was beautiful. Their smiles, when looking at each other, explained it all: an unexplained or grasped joy for what God has truly brought together. I loved seeing one of my childhood friends marry a man that loved her so much. I remember teasing her about being married especially young when we were respectively thirteen and sixteen. She would always retort with the FACT that she would not marry until she was older--twenty eight or thirty--if she got married at all. Here she is, five years too early for her liking, married and I am rejoicing for them this evening.
Weddings turn my heart upon my own singleness. Previously, new marriage would direct my heart toward my own relationship status in a very sinful and idolizing way. I would imagine what my dress and the day would look like and how perfect my husband would be. I idolized marriage, forsaking the very sanctifying nature of such an institution. I had my marriage all lined out: 4000 square foot house, 8.72 children, husband who worked 9-5 only and came home happy every single day, perfect dinners, perfect discipline, weedless garden, etc. The Lord was so good to cause me to realize how ridiculous my presumptions were about my future through talking with older women in the church. I can now say, in God's grace, that whatever my husband is called to do, I will partner with him in his ministry so as to be a helpmeet. If that means living in a canvas tent in the middle of the Sahara, God's grace is sufficient as is His joy.
My heart longs for marriage. This longing is different than that previously experienced. I long for a husband for the extremely practical side of things: mowing the lawn, killing the cockroaches, packing the car. There is a deeper longing though. It is found in my desire for challenging fellowship. It is found in my desire to have a very present spiritual leader in my life. This is the aspect of marriage that I am most excited about presently. I love the challenge I experience when around one who is more mature in Christ and yet can lead with patience and tenderness. The fellowship I desire can be touched upon in relationships outside of marriage but God designed marriage to exemplify one of the deepest forms of fellowship while on this earth. Oh how I am excited for such things! In His timing, may such things happen--I desire nothing more than this. For now, challenge will come in my friendships and in my relationship with the Lord alone.
The Lord was teaching me much about marriage this past spring and my heart has been dwelling on it once again. May it not become an idol again. The Lord's grace is sufficient to provide patience in this waiting period. And if I am called to singleness, with great rejoicing I will accept such a call, knowing that it would be to your glory and purpose.
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