I have been so frustrated with myself lately. I am so sinful. This should not come as a surprise. I get riled up so easily. I am rather sensitive to teasing. I am argumentative. I get frustrated with others. My own well-being is often on the forefront of my mind instead of the gospel. I hate when I don't feel listened to because I "deserve" to be listened to. Really?! No, how self-serving I can be! I am selfish. My balance of truth and grace is not really a balance. I don't keep my word. I don't exhibit self-control. I am loud. Gentleness is often not something I exemplify or practice. I talk a lot and listen little. I am more concerned with earthly things than eternal things. I poorly balance my schoolwork. I procrastinate constantly. I do not make aggressive hospitality a lifestyle. I say a lot and do little. I hide from conflict and yet when I must, I deal with it poorly. This list doesn't even touch on many of the inward sins that only manifest themselves in subtle ways. And now, look at me, I'm throwing myself a pity party!
Some of my friendships [specifically within Navs] have afforded such comfortableness that I am much less concerned with being agreeable and not stepping on toes. We are comfortable with one another. This leads to less guard against those seemingly small sins that easily weasel their way into my daily activities. Thus, my sin is clearly visible. It is BLARING! From my viewpoint, it has sirens and is painted red. It is clear for all to see.
This is the most disgusting part of all of this. I do not hate this sin because it is disgusting and filthy to my God but because it shines a poor light on ME. I don't want these wonderfully encouraging friendships to end and the fear is that if too much sin is seen, there will not be sufficient grace on their part to cover all that they see so visibly. So silly am I.
Nonetheless, I pray that my sin becomes disgusting to me because it dishonors my God not because it dishonors my own name. I also am reminded to pursue excellence--righteousness--Christ so that I become more like Him.
I am so thankful for sanctification as painful as it might be.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
#42
#42. Pray about who/what to faithfully support monthly.
This is a recent opportunity that was presented to me at the Navigators' Fall Conference. I wanted this to be something that was purposed toward the Great Commission. I wanted to be something that had some eternal value.
I went to Fall Conference and they spoke of the 10/40 Window as Christians often do. The Navigators Headquarters is sending a family from Cedar Falls, Iowa to Australia to minister there. There are a few reasons why.
1. The Navigator ministry in Australia is small yet faithful. There are few students throughout the entire continent present but those that are present are willing to labor. They have a passion and a drive to do so.
2. There are less negative feelings toward the Australians in comparison to those from the US. They are going to have more of an opportunity to build relationships with those abroad as there are less barriers to the friendship.
3. Since September 11, 2001, there are many countries that have begun sending their students elsewhere to learn English. That elsewhere being Australia. There is a huge population of international college students in Australia and thus not only will this new "plant" in Australia be one of sending but also one of ministering to students right there.
4. Australians are much more willing and likely to travel in comparison to those from the States. They are not afraid of being sent out. They are excited about being involved in such things.
I have chosen to give $10 a month to this family of six. I am excited for the opportunity to support this sweet family but also to be a part of ministering the gospel to those living in the 10/40 window.
Here's my 101 in 1001 list for reference.
This is a recent opportunity that was presented to me at the Navigators' Fall Conference. I wanted this to be something that was purposed toward the Great Commission. I wanted to be something that had some eternal value.
I went to Fall Conference and they spoke of the 10/40 Window as Christians often do. The Navigators Headquarters is sending a family from Cedar Falls, Iowa to Australia to minister there. There are a few reasons why.
1. The Navigator ministry in Australia is small yet faithful. There are few students throughout the entire continent present but those that are present are willing to labor. They have a passion and a drive to do so.
2. There are less negative feelings toward the Australians in comparison to those from the US. They are going to have more of an opportunity to build relationships with those abroad as there are less barriers to the friendship.
3. Since September 11, 2001, there are many countries that have begun sending their students elsewhere to learn English. That elsewhere being Australia. There is a huge population of international college students in Australia and thus not only will this new "plant" in Australia be one of sending but also one of ministering to students right there.
4. Australians are much more willing and likely to travel in comparison to those from the States. They are not afraid of being sent out. They are excited about being involved in such things.
I have chosen to give $10 a month to this family of six. I am excited for the opportunity to support this sweet family but also to be a part of ministering the gospel to those living in the 10/40 window.
Here's my 101 in 1001 list for reference.
#95
#95. Go to a concert.
Unfortunately there aren't any pictures from this event. Hillsong came to Albuquerque. Once my mom found out, she bought ten tickets assuming they would sell out quickly. She had planned on selling them to our friends and keeping what we needed for the family. All of the other sisters were out of town and so Mom and I were left to attend on August 2. That date might be off a bit.
It was a fun concert. Heidi, Chris, Mrs. Sharp, Chelsea, Garret, Johnathan, Carrie, Anie came with us. It ended up that Mom just gave the tickets as a gift to each of them.
I found that I'm not huge on concerts. They're loud and hot and I find them to be awkward. Do you sit or stand?! Nonetheless, I'm glad I went and completed my #95.
Here's my 101 in 1001 for reference.
Unfortunately there aren't any pictures from this event. Hillsong came to Albuquerque. Once my mom found out, she bought ten tickets assuming they would sell out quickly. She had planned on selling them to our friends and keeping what we needed for the family. All of the other sisters were out of town and so Mom and I were left to attend on August 2. That date might be off a bit.
It was a fun concert. Heidi, Chris, Mrs. Sharp, Chelsea, Garret, Johnathan, Carrie, Anie came with us. It ended up that Mom just gave the tickets as a gift to each of them.
I found that I'm not huge on concerts. They're loud and hot and I find them to be awkward. Do you sit or stand?! Nonetheless, I'm glad I went and completed my #95.
Here's my 101 in 1001 for reference.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
All-or-Nothing
It has been crazy around here lately. Sometimes I feel like life is falling apart. That feeling comes easily when I realize that I missed an online test or when I realize I missed a day of chores.
You see I'm an "all-or-nothing" type of girl. If I can't get it all done, well, I'm not even going to attempt or at least not put any effort into it. When I've been giving my "all" to something and then realize that I missed part of that "all," that "all" isn't an "all" anymore. If there's only two options, it must revert back to a "nothing" which means failure. That is not my goal so thus this reflects poorly on me and my work ethic, and hence the feeling of "falling apart." I hope that was follow-able.
When I got in the car today to come to Flying Star, I felt conquered, crushed, in despair, forsaken, destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:7-12). Yes, I am a girl and yes, I am highly emotional. Also, referencing the above paragraph, this is the feeling that come as a result of thinking I missed a psych test. I was doing so well. Had not missed one assignment and then I realized last night that I never took the chapter 6 test nor did I do the participation reports for three days. I got on WebCT today resolved to realize my slate was wiped clean. I preached the gospel to myself and rejoiced in the grace that is so freely given.
I got on today and by God's ever-present and never ending grace, it is fall break. This means that the chapter 6 test wasn't due on Thursday night but Monday night so I hadn't missed it. I love those little things that are so little but yet bring me much joy.
Ah, to preach the gospel to myself. So often I find myself living in my sin and wallowing in it. It is right to be disgusted by my sin. It is right to hate my sin. It is right to realize my sin. It is right to be mournful over my sin knowing that it is spitting on the face of the God; the God that chose me and pulled me from the depths of the miry pit. That is right. But if that's where the thought process ends, it is all in vain. There is more to the story than my sin. Christ died on the cross for ME. My sins are GONE. They are as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). Wallowing in my sins is not trusting my God that He has removed them from me. It is saying that my God is not big enough to do so. He is not big enough to make me clean. Christ's offering on the cross did not run deep enough to cover the extent that I have sinned. Oh, what a lie such things are! My God has saved me. He has wiped all dirt from me. He has cleaned me. He has made my white as snow. My heart is now one of flesh instead of one of stone. He has made me alive! Let us rejoice!
On the second note, I'm still going to sin until I die. Yes, I have not arrived. And please forgive me if I have ever acted or spoken as if I have. I do not rely on my Savior in the capacity that I need to thus sin abounds. Apart from Christ, it is impossible for me not to sin. Sanctification is a process (reference conversation with Anna at the end of Baylor camp). It will be ongoing and it will be painful. Sometimes it will pierce and sting. Sometimes it will pain me for longer than I think I can endure such things but my God knows much better.
So, in light of sanctification and justification, my attitude that I often succumb to, "all or nothing," has no place in my life. I am going to fail and I am going to fall. It is going to hurt but I will never be in despair, crushed, forsaken, destroyed because of Christ alone. I must live to His glory. I must give all that I have--as this is my reasonable service in response to the grace that I have been shown (Romans 12:1-2) but oftentimes I will fail in that and I must still go on. I must still press forth. I still must delight myself in the grace that is given to me minute by minute on this earth.
You see I'm an "all-or-nothing" type of girl. If I can't get it all done, well, I'm not even going to attempt or at least not put any effort into it. When I've been giving my "all" to something and then realize that I missed part of that "all," that "all" isn't an "all" anymore. If there's only two options, it must revert back to a "nothing" which means failure. That is not my goal so thus this reflects poorly on me and my work ethic, and hence the feeling of "falling apart." I hope that was follow-able.
When I got in the car today to come to Flying Star, I felt conquered, crushed, in despair, forsaken, destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:7-12). Yes, I am a girl and yes, I am highly emotional. Also, referencing the above paragraph, this is the feeling that come as a result of thinking I missed a psych test. I was doing so well. Had not missed one assignment and then I realized last night that I never took the chapter 6 test nor did I do the participation reports for three days. I got on WebCT today resolved to realize my slate was wiped clean. I preached the gospel to myself and rejoiced in the grace that is so freely given.
I got on today and by God's ever-present and never ending grace, it is fall break. This means that the chapter 6 test wasn't due on Thursday night but Monday night so I hadn't missed it. I love those little things that are so little but yet bring me much joy.
Ah, to preach the gospel to myself. So often I find myself living in my sin and wallowing in it. It is right to be disgusted by my sin. It is right to hate my sin. It is right to realize my sin. It is right to be mournful over my sin knowing that it is spitting on the face of the God; the God that chose me and pulled me from the depths of the miry pit. That is right. But if that's where the thought process ends, it is all in vain. There is more to the story than my sin. Christ died on the cross for ME. My sins are GONE. They are as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). Wallowing in my sins is not trusting my God that He has removed them from me. It is saying that my God is not big enough to do so. He is not big enough to make me clean. Christ's offering on the cross did not run deep enough to cover the extent that I have sinned. Oh, what a lie such things are! My God has saved me. He has wiped all dirt from me. He has cleaned me. He has made my white as snow. My heart is now one of flesh instead of one of stone. He has made me alive! Let us rejoice!
On the second note, I'm still going to sin until I die. Yes, I have not arrived. And please forgive me if I have ever acted or spoken as if I have. I do not rely on my Savior in the capacity that I need to thus sin abounds. Apart from Christ, it is impossible for me not to sin. Sanctification is a process (reference conversation with Anna at the end of Baylor camp). It will be ongoing and it will be painful. Sometimes it will pierce and sting. Sometimes it will pain me for longer than I think I can endure such things but my God knows much better.
So, in light of sanctification and justification, my attitude that I often succumb to, "all or nothing," has no place in my life. I am going to fail and I am going to fall. It is going to hurt but I will never be in despair, crushed, forsaken, destroyed because of Christ alone. I must live to His glory. I must give all that I have--as this is my reasonable service in response to the grace that I have been shown (Romans 12:1-2) but oftentimes I will fail in that and I must still go on. I must still press forth. I still must delight myself in the grace that is given to me minute by minute on this earth.
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