Fruit

Sometimes, I feel this overwhelming need to write. Sometimes, I listen to it. Sometimes, I don't. Last night, I wanted to write but my bed was calling my name and because we are on spring break, I went to bed. Ah, sleeping felt so good but as a new day has begun and is very much in full swing, I wish that I had written down everything I was feeling last night.

I have been Daniel fasting since March 7. I want to be careful whom I tell for I am not doing this for the appeasement or attention of man but to seek my God on behalf of this nation. I don't think a whole lot of people read my blog, if any, so I feel safe sharing such information here. 40 Days for Life is fasting as well as many people across this nation who are fasting for the purpose of the universities and colleges. I started a week late but also didn't hear about these things until March 4. I prayed about it for three days finally deciding to begin it all on Sunday, March 7. This has been a huge time of growth for me personally. I'll make a list of the things the Lord is teaching me.

• I was skeptical of Daniel fasting to begin with. I have been taught that during Biblical times, it took hours to prepare a meal. The purpose of fasting then was to set aside that time and use it solely for prayer. With Daniel fasting, I didn't feel like the purpose was the same. I was still cooking. It has been good though. My God is drawing me nearer unto Himself as well as building the fire within me.
• This has been a huge time of growth in prayer. The Lord is teaching me faith for the big things. This past summer, they had suggested making a "impossible list" of things that you really needed and faithfully praying for them. I looked back a couple nights ago at my impossible list from over the summer. Almost everything had been answered. My God is so good. He is teaching me that if I am praying for my campus, He will work (This is not to underestimate His will and sovereignty); I just might see it. My faithfulness to prayer shouldn't be based on if I can see the results or not. I think that has held me back from praying for the nations or for my campus for so long. No longer. The Lord has grown my faith in Him.
• My time in the Word has been so productive. Oh my! Romans is teaching me so many things. I love it. I love getting up every morning and spending the first hour of my day with the One who loves me the most. Oh what a delight, that He would desire to meet with me!
• He has also taught me that while I'm single and when I'm married, my God will be more faithful than any man ever will. My husband will be human and will make mistakes but my God is my God and He is always faithful. I have always known this in my head but it never pricked my heart. It has now.
• Sprouting from that last lesson, God is teaching me the true meaning of the quote, "A woman should be so close to God that a man has to seek Him to find her." Why would I want it any other way? The Lord has loved since before time existed and yet I tend to spend more time thinking about a guy than I do my first Husband. This humbles me. At Ryan's (female team leader from this past summer) leading, I have begun praying this quote for myself. I find my perspective changed. My contentment is much more real. My joy in my God is much more real. My relationship with the One who gave His all to have me is much more real. If that guy that seems so great right now leaves and marries someone else, I will not be shaken because that must not have been the one that God desired for me to be with in the beginning. God will put me with someone who is seeking Him at the same pace that I am seeking Him. At the rate I was going, woo-wee! I want someone who is sprinting after our God. That takes me sprinting after my God. It also doesn't happen because I am "seeking" my God because I want a husband. Priorities must be correct.
• Oh and last but not least, the Lord is teaching me to trust Him in a very real way. I will have to explain the rest of this on Saturday for it is linked to something that I am not allowed to share with everyone right now. My God is good to teach and to humble. Right now, He is doing it so gently. Thank you Lord for giving me a receptive heart so that You don't have to bring tragedy so that I might finally understand what You are trying to teach me.

Moses

I feel like I stumble over my words and thoughts so very often. This is so frustrating to me and often I say, "If only I could explain it to you in a math problem, it would make perfect sense!" Unfortunately this world cannot be explained in a math problem. Nor can the Gospel. Or at least understood by others using a math problem. By God's grace, I do indeed feel like my expression of myself using words has improved although I am far from English major status. This "issue" has been made extremely clear to me in the last couple days:

I got my sign test back today. 93.5! Woot-woot! Anyway, our professor had some of the students read their essay questions to explain to the class what she was expected to get full credit. I received full credit on these essays but I was not asked to read. I was amazed by how eloquently written and explanatory their answers were. My answers fit the bill, per say but wow, the other students could write. I was humbled.

Yesterday, I had my Worldview interview. I was so nervous despite my constant praying over the last week that my words simply be His words. He will open doors He wants opened. Anyway, I felt like I stumbled over every answer I gave. I didn't express myself well. All the things that she had asked made/make complete sense in my head but when I try to explain them to someone, especially someone who is interviewing/testing/critiquing me, they do not come out clearly. I was humbled and frustrated.

Also, I just wrote an email to someone at the Ronald McDonald House to set up a time to lead a group to cook dinner for their residents in April. After writing and rereading my email, I was struck by the fact that it was very scatter-brained and was not written well. After reading it again, I couldn't find another way to rephrase it. I left it as is because my point was made clear although it was not expressed well or in beautiful wording.

I think the Lord is using all of this to humble me and teach me to again rely on Him alone. Last week, I was wading through some pride which has been a lot more rare since last summer. The Lord has truly given me an understanding of my sin and is good to remind me of it often. This is for my benefit and this is to cause me to rely on Him more and more. Last week was a different story though. I was definitely prideful and was having a hard time remembering and truly allowing the gospel to pierce my heart as it does daily.

I am reminded of Moses. Moses complained that the Lord was sending him because he had a speech impediment. I am complaining but the Lord has called me not to complain. Instead, I will be humbled by the fact that I cannot word things properly in and of myself. I will be thankful for the Lord deciding to teach me in this way and not another. He could have chosen to smash this uprising of pride from last week in a much more painful way. I will also be thankful that He has caused my heart to be sensitive to His teaching that I might learn quickly to return to Him. Rely on Him. Trust in Him as my source alone. My God is great and greatly to be praised.

Lord send me. I trust in You. Work through me that Your love would be evident in me. When people see me, may they see You alone. Cause me to decrease and you to increase.

His Glory

I read in Romans this morning and the one thing that was fully apparent through the seven verses that I spent my forty five minute quiet time on was the gospel. The gospel is needed and necessary. It is God's power. His power is displayed when He saves people. So again, everything is centered around HIS GLORY! May He be known. May His power be seen. May His name be proclaimed for He is God and worthy of exaltation.

Heading Out

Tomorrow, I am headed to Colorado with nineteen other students for the Laborers' Conference. I am excited to see my team from this past summer and catch up with them. I also am excited for the road trip. Woot-woot! I love road trips. They are so fun because it allows for you to see so many different aspects of a person. Who sleeps? Who talks and likes getting into deep, involved conversation? Who is a reader? Who is a homework-doer? What do people eat? Who watches movies? So fun. Its a great way to get to know another person. I tend to sleep, read, and talk on road trips. Sleep mostly. I prefer fruit on road trips. Peanut M&M's if I am falling asleep and need some sugar in my system. I'll probably get a chai tomorrow.

Some things I need to do before tomorrow morning:

• Go to Wal-Mart [Need fruit, gum, and a toiletry bag (My last one had shampoo all over it and it was more beneficial to throw it away versus cleaning it for hours)]
• Fill out applications for the summer
• PACK
• SLEEP
• Run tomorrow morning

At that, I'm gonna get to going because I've got to get on this. Love road trips, looking forward to tomorrow.

My Brain

My brain works...did you know that?

And I am ever thankful for this. My God has blessed me abundantly.

I take advantage of the fact that I don't have to try real hard at school too much though.

Can I please be rid of my procrastination?

Please. Please. Please.

Lord grow me in a desire to serve You by getting my homework, no matter how small or big, done in a timely manner. A manner that eliminates stress and worry because neither of those are from you. Lord grow me. Lord make me like Your Son that I might serve you with all of my being. That I would delight in who You are and who You see me as because of Your Son's covering of my sins. Thank you for being my Father. I'm sorry I have ever doubted your providing for my needs.

Run Away?

Right now, I just want to drive somewhere and not stop. I don't want to have a sign test tomorrow. I don't want to have a psychology test tomorrow, and one due online tonight. I don't want to have two applications for the summer due this week nor a case study in bio due on Monday. I...well...am complaining.

I think a run will help. A good long run sounds so pleasant right now. Although, what is the temperature outside? I don't want to run in my sweat pants.

These are the times that I'm really looking forward to graduate school, when I'll have the opportunity to leave and start over.

Although I must remember: running away from responsibilities, struggles, decisions does NOT help anything. They will follow. They will need to be dealt with. It is not right of me to run from them.

We are commanded to run from temptation and sin not from struggles or situations that the Lord is good to put us in. I am here right now because the Lord is sovereign and chose for me to face the things I am facing. I will take comfort in that and trust in that because my God is good to me.

Seven Out of Twelve

Well. I got seven of the twelve points available on my trigonometry exam. That's kind of hard to stomach especially since this was supposed to be my easy class this semester.

As much as I don't want to be upset right now, I kind of am. I'm really disappointed with myself. I should have done better. I am capable of doing better

How did I do so poorly?

• 1 point missed for a missing negative sign
• 2 points missed for not knowing what the depression angle was
• 1 point missed for not getting the period right
• 1 point missed for not labeling my point of inflection in my graph of the tangent
  

Ugh. Three of those points could have been avoided with more studying and two of those points would have been avoided if I was more careful. Well, may this be a lesson learned.

On the bright side, I got a 95% on my Calc 2 Test. I guess I can be happy about that.

I will work harder in the future. I will remain on top. I will get an A in all of my classes this semester. It is possible. It will happen.