Grocery Shopping

I have not been to the grocery store in 28 days. There are a few reasons for this.

1. I have not had the need to do so.
2. I have no means of getting there other than my own two feet.
3. Walking to the grocery store takes time that I simply do not have.
4. My bike tires are flat.
5. I haven't had time to walk my bike to the gas station to pump up the tires.
6. Nor do I know how to do so (time for me to become more handy, as a single and independent lady!)
7. I have not had the desire to do so.

I have been eating plenty of food. No starvation here. I am only now starting to get into my bean stash.

Let me tell you this time of not going into the grocery store or other shopping avenues has been so GOOD! Discontentment flourishes when I shop frequently. I think, "Oh, I need that, and that and that and oh that too." Before I know it, my shopping bill is more than I had planned to spend. I have so enjoyed living frugally over the last 28 days. It has rid me of much discontentment and made me aware of how easy it is fall prey to discontentment unknowingly in my life.

Years ago, I met up with my ballet instructor after she returned from IHOP in Kansas City. She told me that before she would go to Wal-Mart, Smith's or Albertson's to go grocery shopping, her husband and she would sit down and pray that the Lord would guard against discontentment as she entered into an environment full of enticing advertisements and food choices. At the time, I don't think I fully understood what she meant. I thought it was a good idea but I didn't really see the purpose of it and thought it was a little extreme.

Well now that I have been without my car for a month and a half and thus had to stay home a lot more often, I have realized how much discontentment I was allowing to breed in my life. No more. When my car returns, I am going to have to be very careful of falling into the easy trap of going to Flying Star for dinner, Satellite for coffee or Le Peep for breakfast. I am going to have to commit my heart to the Lord so that it doesn't go crazy when I reenter the normal world of weekly grocery shopping.

Side note: I rocked Sarah to sleep this morning for her nap. That is one of the many joys of my job. Having a baby cuddle up on your lap, lay against your heart and fall asleep brings me so much joy. I look forward to the day that the Lord chooses to bless my husband and me with children that we can rock to sleep. For right now, my sister will do because I am very content. There is much the Lord has for me to do before I am married and responsible for helping not only my husband but caring for little ones.

Changes

I was looking over some pictures from two-ish years ago on facebook just a minute ago.

So many things have changed--relationships, people, personalities, interests, activities, marriages and children.

It has been two years since we graduated. This boggles my mind because these past two years have gone by SO QUICKLY.

I feel like what the old[er] people say all the time about time passing so fast is so true. Time does not drag on--we are only vapors.

The changes that some people have undergone bring me joy and encouragement. Other changes are really difficult to stomach especially when they are obviously becoming very lukewarm in their walks with the Lord or have completely disregarded Him.

This is expected to happen. You go to a Christian school and everyone is a Christian especially when retreats are so emotional and it's cool to disciple someone. Then, that influence is gone and something else is "cool" so paths turn mighty quickly.

I can take delight in the fact that the Lord is sovereign and that if they were truly His they will return by His grace.

It sorrows my heart to see changes that are steeped in sin! Oh, it was so much easier to live in that Hope "bubble" thinking that no one was sexually active, doing drugs or walking the wide road. Although that wasn't realistic. The truth had to be exposed.

It is just sorrowful sometimes.

My Sister

Can I brag on my sister for a moment?

She's so cool. She is probably one of my very favorite people in this world if not my favorite. I used to beat her up so much but we've grown to love each other. I love her.

Here's a text from her that I got this morning:

"Sometimes I wish you were still at Hope. Especially on days like these where we go to the zoo and have fun all day. I miss the times here you would tell the boys to stay away from me. I miss seeing you at school and being able to give you a big hug and call you my seester. I miss the times that we would ride in the car together and Katie and I would stick our heads out the windows until we were completely wind blown. And I miss growing up with you--when we were still little enough to play house together and have our infamous talent shows. Where did our childhood go? It went too fast. Sometimes I wish we were kids again."

Oh my goodness. Just made my day.

My response:

"In three weeks we can be kids again and have talent shows all the time. We'll schedule one at least every other day. I'll be telling the boys to stay away from you all the time--you'll get so tired of it--but you're too beautiful for me not too. You can run up to me on UNM campus and give me a big hug and call me seester. We'll go to the zoo every other weekend until we've seen the gorillas eat as much poop as we can handle. We'll drive in the car again and us the window as a blow dryer. Yes, childhood went too fast."

I can't wait to live with her. Yes, we'll have our tiffs and our arguments but I'm so excited. She is one of my very best friends and I get to live with her!

Childbirth

So yesterday Matt and I saw Kris and Iris's new baby boy, Aaron Kristopher Ramos, just hours after he was born. Oh so precious! Iris did great during her labor. She pushed for half an hour, had no tears (as in rips not water coming out of the eyes), and no epidural. Kris and Matt talked for a awhile afterwards and one thing that specifically stuck with me in what he said was, "Iris did great. She was so godly through the entire thing."

I watched a video of Sarah during one of her labors a few months ago. She was in the middle of a contraction and was downstairs with her children. Her husband was videotaping. It was a 2 minute double peaking contraction. She wanted to throw Claire off her lap because she was pinning her to the floor and trying to bounce off her belly when she really needed her belly to have room to expand and contract. Despite how long those two minutes must have seemed and the amount of pain she must have been in, she was completely composed during the entire contraction.

I am in awe of these women who maintain their "cool" during labor. Iris must have been a witness to the nurses and the midwife assisting her. What a time to be representing Christ! Sarah was loving towards her children despite how uncomfortable she was. Again what a time to be representing Christ to her children! Lord grow in me SELF CONTROL. In every aspect of my life. Lord, I beg You to cultivate this in me now for I feel like I am so insufficient.

Lord when it is time for me to be married and be pregnant, may You grow in me self control so that I can represent You in even that very vulnerable moment of my life. Thank you for women in my life that represent You even during times that are hard and strenuous. May my husband be able to see Christ in me as I am giving birth to our children. Lord, You are so good to grow me. Thank you.

Un-Motivated

I am making a list. I like lists. It is not a specific list nor does it have a huge purpose other than organizing my writing as much as it can be organized.

1. I am un-motivated. I have A LOT of schoolwork to do and we have five more weeks (YIKES!). This week I'm gonna pump a lot of material into my head and hopefully be caught up within these next two weeks.
2. Balance when I am focused on catching up in school is so HARD. I can swing one way and spend every minute of the day in the Word and it is WONDERFUL or I can swing to the complete opposite and not spend any time in the Word and spend every minute with my nose in my schoolbooks. No good. Balance is key. It is important in every aspect of my life--as I move into the working world, as I move into being a wife, as I move into being a mother and everywhere in between.
3. I really want to write in my husband journal. I go through some times when my heart simply longs for the intimacy (emotional, physical, spiritual even mental) that marriage offers with another person. This is one of those times. Still, God's resounding answer is, "Wait." And I will listen.
4. I am making whole wheat blueberry pancakes for dinner tonight.
5. I know what I want in a husband but what I should really be seeking is what the Lord wants for me. He knows better who I need. Even marriage is an issue of wants over needs. Needs are always more pertinent. I do want to clarify--as my heart is drawn closer and closer to the Lord, my needs that He already knows will become wants in my heart.
6. Sometimes I make no sense.
7. Worldview is getting closer and closer. So excited!
8. I want to go running.
9. I need to finish chapter 1 in biology first.
10. My sister has the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. I'm not the most keen on women's voices, I simply prefer men's voices (for vocal performance) but I would listen to my sister any day over a guy. She's gorgeous. I love her.
11. Hmmmm.....God is teaching me about forgiveness right now and what that word truly means in its definition but also in my life. How does it apply? Yes, God is teaching me about that and it is good.

Sulky

Yes I wrote about half an hour ago. Yes I am writing again.

Right now is such a time of growth, hardship, excitement, joy, frustration, delight, realization. The Lord is teaching and growing me in so many ways thus explains much of the constant writing lately. Add this to my quiet time journal and it probably looks like I'm not doing anything but writing.

My car is in the shop. It is very broken. Something (I have no idea what) was fixed for $355.80. This fixed the first check engine light. There was a second check engine light having to do with a misfire in cylinder 2. Apparently it was not the spark plugs, nor the coil. There is low compression (?) in the cylinder. They don't know what to do to fix it. I am WORRIED with how much it is going to cost me.

Mario (my service clerk at Quality GMC--where my car is being fixed) called earlier today and said "Oh, its the spark plugs! We'll fix it. You'll probably have it back today." I was so excited! I rejoiced for the moment that my God saved me again. He pulled me out of the miry pit of despair (and expensive car problems). Then I got the call that it was not the spark plugs and it was something else. My heart sunk. My first reaction was questioning God and His goodness.

By God's grace, this did not last long. He snapped me out of my very enjoyable pity party pretty quickly graciously revealing my gross sin to me. I realized that so often I praise Him openly when things are good, when I've been saved, when He did something in my life miraculous. Well, He revealed this to me. He caused me to remember my salvation and His unending grace towards me. He is faithful even when I am so faithless. So the question remains how could I ever respond to circumstances instead of the unchanging grace and salvation of my God? Well, because I'm sinful. Despite the fact that my car is very broken, my God is still good. My God is still steadfast. My God is still sovereign.

I didn't have my quiet time this morning. I'm pretty sure this has been very influential in that I am not relying on my Lord in my daily interactions. I have walked around for the last hour sulking about my car and yet, I know the God of the universe. Yet, I know that He created me. Yes, and I sulk. No more. To His word I go for it is my Living Water. He is my sustenance. To Him I will go.

Not Mine, Yours

I feel so overwhelmed.
This is not normal.
It is a struggle I used to suffer from A LOT!
The Lord has grown me in trust.
Stress isn't as worrisome any longer.
God's control and sovereignty is much more real in my life.

I have stressed over all the work I have to do while I was sleeping the last few nights.
Now, I'm almost paralyzed by it.
My head hurts because of it.
Like an explosive device waiting for a spark.
Or a room with walls closing in on itself.

Lord, You are my strength and sustenance.
May I fear You alone for You are the only thing worthy of my fear.
You sustain me all of my days.
You lead me where I am to go.
You know that I have trig test tonight.
You know that I have yet to study for it because life has been too busy.

Lord, I beg You to cause me to rely on You.
Lord, I beg You to cause me to trust on You.
Lord, I beg You to make my mind capable of absorbing everything it needs to know.
Lord, I beg You to sustain me.
Lord, I beg You to make Your power and might known and obvious in my life once again.

May Your name be praised. Yours alone, Lord. Not mine, Yours.