Oh, Balance

Oh how thoughts are whirling inside my head as I sit at this beveled-edged table in the cafe at Borders. I am supposed to be studying for psychology but I am simply pooped and thus have not started. The time is winding down and I'll start soon enough.

I began reading Her Mother's Hope by Francine Rivers. She is one of my favorite writers. She has a way of weaving words together to make a perfect picture in my mind, causing me to feel every emotion in the scene. Oh, how I enjoy reading. I picked up this book at one of the most inopportune times--right before finals. Oops.

The main character in the book is an extremely headstrong girl who will not simply settle for what her father has for her. She has ambitions and goals. She has a will and will demand that for which she has worked. I love her.

This book resonates more with me even in the first 100 pages I have read more than other Francine Rivers' books (this is probably an unfair proposition as I have not read another Rivers' book in a couple months and am in the middle of this one but nonetheless I digress). The character speaks to me and who I used to be.

It leaves me questioning if I've truly changed from the person I used to be or just suppressed (oh, how psychology is influencing me; Lord, guard my heart against this world) who I was as I grew up. A few years ago, as I became involved in reformed theology and delved deeper into Scripture, I very quickly developed my opinions concerning women, their leadership roles and purposes and what demeanor they should carry. I learned from I Peter that I am to carry a gentle and quiet spirit. I learned from Proverbs that I am to be clothed in strength and honor. I learned that I am to love and respect my husband all the days of my life; this includes the time before I meet him. I learned that I am to be a servant. I learned that I was made from man and for man as his helpmeet. I learned that purity is not something to be forsaken once I am married. I learned that I am called and commanded to submit to my husband just as the church is commanded to submit to Christ. I learned that a virtuous wife works hard, is generous and speaks with grace, humility and wisdom. I learned that beauty is God-given but is passing and thus the inward character is of much more value. Looking at all of these things, I realized two things as a junior in high school. First, I realized that these things are far from what the world preaches for women of today. What a surprise! (That was sarcasm) Second, I realized, as a woman seeking to please my God and to be readied as a virtuous wife, that I failed in so many areas I couldn't count them all on all of my fingers and toes.

After realizing all of these things, I set to work at making myself into the woman that Scripture describes. I failed often, obviously. The Lord must remind very very often that my sanctification isn't a result of anything that I do and is only of Him. Anyway, He reminded me and I would pray that He would grow me into a virtuous wife displaying the qualities that His Word describes. He did grow me. Then I would go back to growing myself. In the midst of this, I saw many of my actions as sinful and not glorifying to my Savior and tried to eradicate myself of them as quickly as possible.

I saw my leadership-oriented personality and tried to get rid of it because I was made for man; he is to be the leader. I saw my loud enthusiasm and excitement and rid myself of it because I was supposed to have a gentle and quiet spirit. I saw my ever-moving tongue and tried, and failed greatly, to be wise with my mouth as Proverbs calls a virtuous wife to do. I saw my ambitions, dreams and goals and decided to set them aside so that I could get married as soon as possible. Some of these qualities that I saw in myself were sin and I should commit them to prayer, in repentance and trust in my God that He will grow me out of them.

Concerning the others, I think I had this picture of the perfect wife. She was meek, always quiet, always following without question, really didn't have much of a mind, didn't have any interests outside of that of the care of the home and children. She definitely didn't laugh as loud as I do or at as many things as I find humor in. She definitely didn't exhibit a thought process or even a college degree. She definitely didn't talk all that much except to say encouraging words to the woman beside her in the pew. She definitely didn't struggle with sin in the least because she was perfect. She didn't have desires outside of the home or her husband. She agreed with everything her husband said and did.

Well, we all know if that was the picture of a Biblical wife, I would and have failed miserably already. I laugh too much, am too expressive, have spent too much time developing interests in things other than cooking and laundry, am way too argumentative, talk way too much (I do pray the Lord grows me in this; it allows me to be extra-narcissistic), struggle with sin A LOT, and have too many desires to finish school and achieve my Master's degree. Well. Thank you Lord that you have not limited the Biblical wife to those qualities.

He has made us with personalities and interests so that we can truly make up a Body. The fact that He has given me a leadership-oriented mindset isn't wrong. It must be balanced with submission to Him and my father and when the time comes, my husband. The fact that He has given me a heart that is easily joy-filled is a beautiful thing and as long as I express this under right circumstances, it is good. It's ok to have interests outside the home because it opens up teaching opportunities for my kids and evangelism opportunities as an insider. The Lord has given me a brain so that I can use it. It is not to be stored on a dusty shelf in my closet. It is to be used to bring glory to Him. And being a wife is not the only thing I have to prepare for in life. I should use this time to learn and grow and gain knowledge. Who knows how long it will be before God brings my husband and I together! It could be forty years. Maybe my good and sovereign Lord has other plans.

The key in all of this is balance. I am going to study what a gentle and quiet spirit truly means. This post is not to explain that I do not need any growth; oh so far from such things. I need growth more than ever in my life as the Lord is good to reveal sin after sin. It is simply a recognition of a lack of cookie-cutter wife in the Bible. It is an acknowledgement that He has made me with a personality. I'll be stronger in some areas than others. This is something to cherish, be thankful for and utilize for His glory. Where I lack is to be for prayer and growth and see the Lord working in my life. Weakness is good to humble me too. Sometimes I think I'm super woman. I really am not. Just think it.

Some things that people tease me about that I don't want to change are as follows:

1. My lack of sass: Sometimes I'm really sassy. It doesn't bring me joy to be sassy to my sisters and brothers. I feel like there is an acceptable amount of sass. It's a hard balance to hold but some people I know do it well. Cameron is one of these. He is sassy to me but he is also caring and respectful. I know he loves me as a sister. When I am sassy, oh my, I can be mean. I do not bring glory to my Lord. I'm just mean without knowing it and then have to apologize later. Several people have encouraged me to cultivate sass so that I can sass back to those that sass at me. I do desire that this doesn't happen. I don't balance things all that well and this one thing that I would balance very poorly. I don't want to be sassy.

2.I think the best of people most of the time until they have offended me or have proved me wrong (I do pray that this is something the Lord grows me in). Some people think it is wrong of me to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe so; it has caused me to end up in some precarious situations. I don't know. There's a balance in this too. Where it is? I do not know.

Balance.

Balance. So much of the Christian life depends on. It is easy to swing one way or the other but to have balance is something I struggle with so much. This year the Lord has been teaching me so much about balance. I feel like it is my theme right now. Unfortunately, I try to achieve balance on my own too much. It can only be done in the Lord. May I relinquish and He control.

This was supposed to much more organized than it was. Oops.

Losing a Friend

I sent a letter to a friend saying we needed to change how we interacted.

I explained my reasoning. The Lord has called me to such things no doubt.

I said that a relationship could still be maintained just with boundaries as all friendships should have.

This person disagreed. This person said that either it has to be the "normal" way we interact or no friendship at all.

Well, so, relationship went bye-bye.

It's hard. I appreciated this person as a friend.

The Lord is working and in Him, I will find comfort. This lack of friendship will be good. Growth. Reliance on my Lord. Going to my Lord before any one else. May it be so. May this be a time of growth and not regression.

Sarah B.

I heard a doorbell. I went to get it because I thought it was Emily.

I opened the door and there stood a girl in a pink shirt and khaki pants. I was confused.

"Can I use your phone?"

"Uh...sure, let me get it for you. Come on in."

My mind immediately fixated on what I read earlier about discipleship and multiplication.

This mysterious girl walked into my living room as I walked back to my room to get my phone.

I handed the phone to her and stood against the door jamb leading to the kitchen. She called her friend. She sounded lost. She sounded like her friend wasn't really her friend.

My mind immediately fixated on how much this girl needed the Gospel.

"Can I call my Mom?"

"Oh yeah, totally fine. Go ahead."

Her conversation with her mom was steeped in rebellion and disrespect. It reminded me of me before I knew the Lord. It reminded me of me on so many regretful occasions with my mom after I knew my Savior.

My mind immediately fixated on how I know the Gospel and the Lord commands me to share it with the world. The Great Commission is for all believers. "Go and make disciples."

"Can I call my friend? She tried to call me while I was on the phone with my mom."

"Sure."

Her conversation was one of despair and lack of a true friendship.

I tried to pay attention whilst praying, "Lord, allow this door to be open. Allow me to connect with her."

I found out she lives in the Virginia apartments right up the street. She is in 7th grade and yet is supposed to be in 9th grade. Her name is Sarah B. and she does not like her last name.

"Do you have a phone charger?"

"Yeah, let me go get it...I don't know if it'll fit your phone....but we can try...what kind of phone do you have?....um, let's plug it in here...."

I muttered all this on the way to my room and back to the living room. [Yes, I talk a lot, and oftentimes it is very purposeless] The charger fit. She turned on her phone.

"So I don't know if you would like to hang out sometime or something...uh, I'm glad you stopped by. Maybe we can exchange numbers and get together and talk sometime."

"Yeah, that sounds good. I have a lot of college friends so yeah, we should do that. What's your number?"

We exchanged numbers.

My joy about this possible friendship grew at this willingness.

"Could I borrow this for awhile? I can bring it back when I come over to Josh's house to play. He lives right next door." She said while pointing to the phone charger.

"Um, well um, yeah if I can have your number."

I got her number. I invited her to the spaghetti dinner on Friday. Maybe she'll be able to go. Maybe I'll be able to share the Gospel with her. If I never hear from her again, all it will cost me is my phone charger. A small risk to take for the opportunity to have some relational evangelism.

To My Children

Dear Children,

I love you even now. I pray for you often. I do not know who your father is yet nor do I know if the Lord wills for me to be blessed with you. In all the uncertainty of the future, I still love you.

I pray that it is the Lord's will that you be saved. I pray that by God's grace, your father and I can raise you up to be men and women who love our great and precious Lord. I pray that you will be men and women who love to serve Him and delight in His glory. May you know the joy that your father and I know through the sacrifice of the cross. May you be satisfied in Him so that He will be most glorified in you.

Oh, how I delight, even now, thinking upon having the opportunity to see you grow and mature physically and emotionally but especially spiritually. I look forward to the great joy that it will be to see you discover new things and learn about this beautiful planet that the Creator so graciously set us upon. He is so good to us.

I look forward to rocking you to sleep at nap time, watching you take your first steps, running around our yard with you, seeing the delight you will find when we plant our garden and little green shoots pop up from the ground. I look forward to playing with you and having, yet again, another peek into the mind of a child which I was not so long ago.

As I am turning twenty this year, our God is teaching my small heart so many things. He is teaching me to be fully satisfied in Him. He is teaching me the importance of discipleship. He is teaching me the importance of simplicity in my life and where priorities should lie. He is teaching me contentment.

In all of His teaching, I find myself not to be the best student. Often His teaching does not make sense to my little mind and thus I prefer to take my own path. He is good as a gentle Shepherd to lead me back unto His flock each and every time I stray. I write this to you, now, to say, "Yes, I was once twenty." I once did have to deal with the same temptation of sin you will most likely be dealing with at the age of twenty. I pray even now, when the time comes for you to face temptation that you flee. I pray that you cling unceasingly to our Savior, Protector and Father. He is teaching me these things right now. Precious children, He is worth much more than this world will ever offer you. His sacrifice on the cross is far above the value of rubies and diamonds.

Beloved children, our life might not be easy. It might be marked by pain, suffering and loss and yet, our God is good in the midst of all things. He is our ultimate Source and Joy. From Him, comes life for without Him we are dead. In the midst of pain and loss and suffering, cling to Him who is sovereign over all things knowing that He has a plan.

Our life might not be marked by money. Your father and I will provide for your needs but your wants may go unfulfilled. It is not your happiness that we seek; we desire to see the Lord built up in you and this will happen, by His grace and sovereignty, with or without the presence of money in our lives.

Children, I think upon the days that I will first know you exist inside of me, the day that I first hear your heartbeat, the day that I will be able to first hold and kiss you. These days will come soon enough for life is but a vapor and it passes oh so quickly. I am content in what the Lord has laid before me now. He has much for me to do before I am married or before I devote my time to teaching and serving you. I delight in this time knowing the Lord is preparing me so that I can better serve you and your father for His glory alone.

May His glory be my delight and my purpose. I love you.

#97

#97. Curl my hair randomly for school.

Elissa braided little braids into my hair on Monday night and I decided it was time to accomplish another of my 101 in 1001's. So I curled my hair Tuesday morning. It was fun. It brought me back to the days that I curled my hair every day for school my sophomore year of high school. So fun. I love having curly hair; it simply takes a lot of time. Now that I have long hair it looks a little weird for it to be all curly. I enjoyed Tuesday nonetheless.

#70

#70 Make a successful wheat bread loaf.

Behold, I give you BREAD!

On Wednesday, 4/21, I made 8 loaves of wheat bread. I gave one to the Sharp family. I took three for myself and left four at my parents' house. My parents kept the rosemary Parmesan garlic loaf, one of the cinnamon raisin loaves, the lemon orange loaf, and the cinnamon pull aparts (on the far left). I took the three plain wheat loaves and one of the cinnamon raisin loaves. I love making bread. It is so cool the more I learn about yeast, salt, sugar and their relation in making bread and how that relates back to Scripture.

Update on 101 in 1001

Here' my 101 in 1001 List for your reference.

I've been working on #34 (Read through the Bible) which is going well. It's been a blessing to allow myself (hence escape from legalism) to read through it in a longer time period than a year. I am still in Romans. It is good. God is teaching me and causing my desire for the Word to grow daily.

I've also been working on #58 (Don't eat sugar for an entire year). This I have broken a couple of times. I am ok with that. The time that I did break it my stomach hurt so bad for the entire day after eating this sugar and fat loaded dessert something or another that I have not had the desire to pick up sugar anymore. It is no longer a temptation. I will reevaluate this in December and decide then if it counts or if I should do it for another year.

I'm also working on #44 (take math 181). This is not the class I thought it would be. It covers a little bit of differential equations, goes a little bit into calculus II, and focuses heavily on applied probability within the context of biological life processes. It's a good class but if I had known these things, I would have NEVER taken it.

I tried #5 (exercise for 21 days straight) and #39 (find and disciple a young lady) and failed. That's ok. It's a good learning experience to experience rejection and failure. I will get back up and try again. My God is good.