All-or-Nothing

It has been crazy around here lately. Sometimes I feel like life is falling apart. That feeling comes easily when I realize that I missed an online test or when I realize I missed a day of chores.

You see I'm an "all-or-nothing" type of girl. If I can't get it all done, well, I'm not even going to attempt or at least not put any effort into it. When I've been giving my "all" to something and then realize that I missed part of that "all," that "all" isn't an "all" anymore. If there's only two options, it must revert back to a "nothing" which means failure. That is not my goal so thus this reflects poorly on me and my work ethic, and hence the feeling of "falling apart." I hope that was follow-able.

When I got in the car today to come to Flying Star, I felt conquered, crushed, in despair, forsaken, destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:7-12). Yes, I am a girl and yes, I am highly emotional. Also, referencing the above paragraph, this is the feeling that come as a result of thinking I missed a psych test. I was doing so well. Had not missed one assignment and then I realized last night that I never took the chapter 6 test nor did I do the participation reports for three days. I got on WebCT today resolved to realize my slate was wiped clean. I preached the gospel to myself and rejoiced in the grace that is so freely given.

I got on today and by God's ever-present and never ending grace, it is fall break. This means that the chapter 6 test wasn't due on Thursday night but Monday night so I hadn't missed it. I love those little things that are so little but yet bring me much joy.

Ah, to preach the gospel to myself. So often I find myself living in my sin and wallowing in it. It is right to be disgusted by my sin. It is right to hate my sin. It is right to realize my sin. It is right to be mournful over my sin knowing that it is spitting on the face of the God; the God that chose me and pulled me from the depths of the miry pit. That is right. But if that's where the thought process ends, it is all in vain. There is more to the story than my sin. Christ died on the cross for ME. My sins are GONE. They are as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). Wallowing in my sins is not trusting my God that He has removed them from me. It is saying that my God is not big enough to do so. He is not big enough to make me clean. Christ's offering on the cross did not run deep enough to cover the extent that I have sinned. Oh, what a lie such things are! My God has saved me. He has wiped all dirt from me. He has cleaned me. He has made my white as snow. My heart is now one of flesh instead of one of stone. He has made me alive! Let us rejoice!

On the second note, I'm still going to sin until I die. Yes, I have not arrived. And please forgive me if I have ever acted or spoken as if I have. I do not rely on my Savior in the capacity that I need to thus sin abounds. Apart from Christ, it is impossible for me not to sin. Sanctification is a process (reference conversation with Anna at the end of Baylor camp). It will be ongoing and it will be painful. Sometimes it will pierce and sting. Sometimes it will pain me for longer than I think I can endure such things but my God knows much better.

So, in light of sanctification and justification, my attitude that I often succumb to, "all or nothing," has no place in my life. I am going to fail and I am going to fall. It is going to hurt but I will never be in despair, crushed, forsaken, destroyed because of Christ alone. I must live to His glory. I must give all that I have--as this is my reasonable service in response to the grace that I have been shown (Romans 12:1-2) but oftentimes I will fail in that and I must still go on. I must still press forth. I still must delight myself in the grace that is given to me minute by minute on this earth.