Sulky

Yes I wrote about half an hour ago. Yes I am writing again.

Right now is such a time of growth, hardship, excitement, joy, frustration, delight, realization. The Lord is teaching and growing me in so many ways thus explains much of the constant writing lately. Add this to my quiet time journal and it probably looks like I'm not doing anything but writing.

My car is in the shop. It is very broken. Something (I have no idea what) was fixed for $355.80. This fixed the first check engine light. There was a second check engine light having to do with a misfire in cylinder 2. Apparently it was not the spark plugs, nor the coil. There is low compression (?) in the cylinder. They don't know what to do to fix it. I am WORRIED with how much it is going to cost me.

Mario (my service clerk at Quality GMC--where my car is being fixed) called earlier today and said "Oh, its the spark plugs! We'll fix it. You'll probably have it back today." I was so excited! I rejoiced for the moment that my God saved me again. He pulled me out of the miry pit of despair (and expensive car problems). Then I got the call that it was not the spark plugs and it was something else. My heart sunk. My first reaction was questioning God and His goodness.

By God's grace, this did not last long. He snapped me out of my very enjoyable pity party pretty quickly graciously revealing my gross sin to me. I realized that so often I praise Him openly when things are good, when I've been saved, when He did something in my life miraculous. Well, He revealed this to me. He caused me to remember my salvation and His unending grace towards me. He is faithful even when I am so faithless. So the question remains how could I ever respond to circumstances instead of the unchanging grace and salvation of my God? Well, because I'm sinful. Despite the fact that my car is very broken, my God is still good. My God is still steadfast. My God is still sovereign.

I didn't have my quiet time this morning. I'm pretty sure this has been very influential in that I am not relying on my Lord in my daily interactions. I have walked around for the last hour sulking about my car and yet, I know the God of the universe. Yet, I know that He created me. Yes, and I sulk. No more. To His word I go for it is my Living Water. He is my sustenance. To Him I will go.

Not Mine, Yours

I feel so overwhelmed.
This is not normal.
It is a struggle I used to suffer from A LOT!
The Lord has grown me in trust.
Stress isn't as worrisome any longer.
God's control and sovereignty is much more real in my life.

I have stressed over all the work I have to do while I was sleeping the last few nights.
Now, I'm almost paralyzed by it.
My head hurts because of it.
Like an explosive device waiting for a spark.
Or a room with walls closing in on itself.

Lord, You are my strength and sustenance.
May I fear You alone for You are the only thing worthy of my fear.
You sustain me all of my days.
You lead me where I am to go.
You know that I have trig test tonight.
You know that I have yet to study for it because life has been too busy.

Lord, I beg You to cause me to rely on You.
Lord, I beg You to cause me to trust on You.
Lord, I beg You to make my mind capable of absorbing everything it needs to know.
Lord, I beg You to sustain me.
Lord, I beg You to make Your power and might known and obvious in my life once again.

May Your name be praised. Yours alone, Lord. Not mine, Yours.

Fruit

Sometimes, I feel this overwhelming need to write. Sometimes, I listen to it. Sometimes, I don't. Last night, I wanted to write but my bed was calling my name and because we are on spring break, I went to bed. Ah, sleeping felt so good but as a new day has begun and is very much in full swing, I wish that I had written down everything I was feeling last night.

I have been Daniel fasting since March 7. I want to be careful whom I tell for I am not doing this for the appeasement or attention of man but to seek my God on behalf of this nation. I don't think a whole lot of people read my blog, if any, so I feel safe sharing such information here. 40 Days for Life is fasting as well as many people across this nation who are fasting for the purpose of the universities and colleges. I started a week late but also didn't hear about these things until March 4. I prayed about it for three days finally deciding to begin it all on Sunday, March 7. This has been a huge time of growth for me personally. I'll make a list of the things the Lord is teaching me.

• I was skeptical of Daniel fasting to begin with. I have been taught that during Biblical times, it took hours to prepare a meal. The purpose of fasting then was to set aside that time and use it solely for prayer. With Daniel fasting, I didn't feel like the purpose was the same. I was still cooking. It has been good though. My God is drawing me nearer unto Himself as well as building the fire within me.
• This has been a huge time of growth in prayer. The Lord is teaching me faith for the big things. This past summer, they had suggested making a "impossible list" of things that you really needed and faithfully praying for them. I looked back a couple nights ago at my impossible list from over the summer. Almost everything had been answered. My God is so good. He is teaching me that if I am praying for my campus, He will work (This is not to underestimate His will and sovereignty); I just might see it. My faithfulness to prayer shouldn't be based on if I can see the results or not. I think that has held me back from praying for the nations or for my campus for so long. No longer. The Lord has grown my faith in Him.
• My time in the Word has been so productive. Oh my! Romans is teaching me so many things. I love it. I love getting up every morning and spending the first hour of my day with the One who loves me the most. Oh what a delight, that He would desire to meet with me!
• He has also taught me that while I'm single and when I'm married, my God will be more faithful than any man ever will. My husband will be human and will make mistakes but my God is my God and He is always faithful. I have always known this in my head but it never pricked my heart. It has now.
• Sprouting from that last lesson, God is teaching me the true meaning of the quote, "A woman should be so close to God that a man has to seek Him to find her." Why would I want it any other way? The Lord has loved since before time existed and yet I tend to spend more time thinking about a guy than I do my first Husband. This humbles me. At Ryan's (female team leader from this past summer) leading, I have begun praying this quote for myself. I find my perspective changed. My contentment is much more real. My joy in my God is much more real. My relationship with the One who gave His all to have me is much more real. If that guy that seems so great right now leaves and marries someone else, I will not be shaken because that must not have been the one that God desired for me to be with in the beginning. God will put me with someone who is seeking Him at the same pace that I am seeking Him. At the rate I was going, woo-wee! I want someone who is sprinting after our God. That takes me sprinting after my God. It also doesn't happen because I am "seeking" my God because I want a husband. Priorities must be correct.
• Oh and last but not least, the Lord is teaching me to trust Him in a very real way. I will have to explain the rest of this on Saturday for it is linked to something that I am not allowed to share with everyone right now. My God is good to teach and to humble. Right now, He is doing it so gently. Thank you Lord for giving me a receptive heart so that You don't have to bring tragedy so that I might finally understand what You are trying to teach me.

Moses

I feel like I stumble over my words and thoughts so very often. This is so frustrating to me and often I say, "If only I could explain it to you in a math problem, it would make perfect sense!" Unfortunately this world cannot be explained in a math problem. Nor can the Gospel. Or at least understood by others using a math problem. By God's grace, I do indeed feel like my expression of myself using words has improved although I am far from English major status. This "issue" has been made extremely clear to me in the last couple days:

I got my sign test back today. 93.5! Woot-woot! Anyway, our professor had some of the students read their essay questions to explain to the class what she was expected to get full credit. I received full credit on these essays but I was not asked to read. I was amazed by how eloquently written and explanatory their answers were. My answers fit the bill, per say but wow, the other students could write. I was humbled.

Yesterday, I had my Worldview interview. I was so nervous despite my constant praying over the last week that my words simply be His words. He will open doors He wants opened. Anyway, I felt like I stumbled over every answer I gave. I didn't express myself well. All the things that she had asked made/make complete sense in my head but when I try to explain them to someone, especially someone who is interviewing/testing/critiquing me, they do not come out clearly. I was humbled and frustrated.

Also, I just wrote an email to someone at the Ronald McDonald House to set up a time to lead a group to cook dinner for their residents in April. After writing and rereading my email, I was struck by the fact that it was very scatter-brained and was not written well. After reading it again, I couldn't find another way to rephrase it. I left it as is because my point was made clear although it was not expressed well or in beautiful wording.

I think the Lord is using all of this to humble me and teach me to again rely on Him alone. Last week, I was wading through some pride which has been a lot more rare since last summer. The Lord has truly given me an understanding of my sin and is good to remind me of it often. This is for my benefit and this is to cause me to rely on Him more and more. Last week was a different story though. I was definitely prideful and was having a hard time remembering and truly allowing the gospel to pierce my heart as it does daily.

I am reminded of Moses. Moses complained that the Lord was sending him because he had a speech impediment. I am complaining but the Lord has called me not to complain. Instead, I will be humbled by the fact that I cannot word things properly in and of myself. I will be thankful for the Lord deciding to teach me in this way and not another. He could have chosen to smash this uprising of pride from last week in a much more painful way. I will also be thankful that He has caused my heart to be sensitive to His teaching that I might learn quickly to return to Him. Rely on Him. Trust in Him as my source alone. My God is great and greatly to be praised.

Lord send me. I trust in You. Work through me that Your love would be evident in me. When people see me, may they see You alone. Cause me to decrease and you to increase.

His Glory

I read in Romans this morning and the one thing that was fully apparent through the seven verses that I spent my forty five minute quiet time on was the gospel. The gospel is needed and necessary. It is God's power. His power is displayed when He saves people. So again, everything is centered around HIS GLORY! May He be known. May His power be seen. May His name be proclaimed for He is God and worthy of exaltation.