I have been so frustrated with myself lately. I am so sinful. This should not come as a surprise. I get riled up so easily. I am rather sensitive to teasing. I am argumentative. I get frustrated with others. My own well-being is often on the forefront of my mind instead of the gospel. I hate when I don't feel listened to because I "deserve" to be listened to. Really?! No, how self-serving I can be! I am selfish. My balance of truth and grace is not really a balance. I don't keep my word. I don't exhibit self-control. I am loud. Gentleness is often not something I exemplify or practice. I talk a lot and listen little. I am more concerned with earthly things than eternal things. I poorly balance my schoolwork. I procrastinate constantly. I do not make aggressive hospitality a lifestyle. I say a lot and do little. I hide from conflict and yet when I must, I deal with it poorly. This list doesn't even touch on many of the inward sins that only manifest themselves in subtle ways. And now, look at me, I'm throwing myself a pity party!
Some of my friendships [specifically within Navs] have afforded such comfortableness that I am much less concerned with being agreeable and not stepping on toes. We are comfortable with one another. This leads to less guard against those seemingly small sins that easily weasel their way into my daily activities. Thus, my sin is clearly visible. It is BLARING! From my viewpoint, it has sirens and is painted red. It is clear for all to see.
This is the most disgusting part of all of this. I do not hate this sin because it is disgusting and filthy to my God but because it shines a poor light on ME. I don't want these wonderfully encouraging friendships to end and the fear is that if too much sin is seen, there will not be sufficient grace on their part to cover all that they see so visibly. So silly am I.
Nonetheless, I pray that my sin becomes disgusting to me because it dishonors my God not because it dishonors my own name. I also am reminded to pursue excellence--righteousness--Christ so that I become more like Him.
I am so thankful for sanctification as painful as it might be.
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