Oh, Balance

Oh how thoughts are whirling inside my head as I sit at this beveled-edged table in the cafe at Borders. I am supposed to be studying for psychology but I am simply pooped and thus have not started. The time is winding down and I'll start soon enough.

I began reading Her Mother's Hope by Francine Rivers. She is one of my favorite writers. She has a way of weaving words together to make a perfect picture in my mind, causing me to feel every emotion in the scene. Oh, how I enjoy reading. I picked up this book at one of the most inopportune times--right before finals. Oops.

The main character in the book is an extremely headstrong girl who will not simply settle for what her father has for her. She has ambitions and goals. She has a will and will demand that for which she has worked. I love her.

This book resonates more with me even in the first 100 pages I have read more than other Francine Rivers' books (this is probably an unfair proposition as I have not read another Rivers' book in a couple months and am in the middle of this one but nonetheless I digress). The character speaks to me and who I used to be.

It leaves me questioning if I've truly changed from the person I used to be or just suppressed (oh, how psychology is influencing me; Lord, guard my heart against this world) who I was as I grew up. A few years ago, as I became involved in reformed theology and delved deeper into Scripture, I very quickly developed my opinions concerning women, their leadership roles and purposes and what demeanor they should carry. I learned from I Peter that I am to carry a gentle and quiet spirit. I learned from Proverbs that I am to be clothed in strength and honor. I learned that I am to love and respect my husband all the days of my life; this includes the time before I meet him. I learned that I am to be a servant. I learned that I was made from man and for man as his helpmeet. I learned that purity is not something to be forsaken once I am married. I learned that I am called and commanded to submit to my husband just as the church is commanded to submit to Christ. I learned that a virtuous wife works hard, is generous and speaks with grace, humility and wisdom. I learned that beauty is God-given but is passing and thus the inward character is of much more value. Looking at all of these things, I realized two things as a junior in high school. First, I realized that these things are far from what the world preaches for women of today. What a surprise! (That was sarcasm) Second, I realized, as a woman seeking to please my God and to be readied as a virtuous wife, that I failed in so many areas I couldn't count them all on all of my fingers and toes.

After realizing all of these things, I set to work at making myself into the woman that Scripture describes. I failed often, obviously. The Lord must remind very very often that my sanctification isn't a result of anything that I do and is only of Him. Anyway, He reminded me and I would pray that He would grow me into a virtuous wife displaying the qualities that His Word describes. He did grow me. Then I would go back to growing myself. In the midst of this, I saw many of my actions as sinful and not glorifying to my Savior and tried to eradicate myself of them as quickly as possible.

I saw my leadership-oriented personality and tried to get rid of it because I was made for man; he is to be the leader. I saw my loud enthusiasm and excitement and rid myself of it because I was supposed to have a gentle and quiet spirit. I saw my ever-moving tongue and tried, and failed greatly, to be wise with my mouth as Proverbs calls a virtuous wife to do. I saw my ambitions, dreams and goals and decided to set them aside so that I could get married as soon as possible. Some of these qualities that I saw in myself were sin and I should commit them to prayer, in repentance and trust in my God that He will grow me out of them.

Concerning the others, I think I had this picture of the perfect wife. She was meek, always quiet, always following without question, really didn't have much of a mind, didn't have any interests outside of that of the care of the home and children. She definitely didn't laugh as loud as I do or at as many things as I find humor in. She definitely didn't exhibit a thought process or even a college degree. She definitely didn't talk all that much except to say encouraging words to the woman beside her in the pew. She definitely didn't struggle with sin in the least because she was perfect. She didn't have desires outside of the home or her husband. She agreed with everything her husband said and did.

Well, we all know if that was the picture of a Biblical wife, I would and have failed miserably already. I laugh too much, am too expressive, have spent too much time developing interests in things other than cooking and laundry, am way too argumentative, talk way too much (I do pray the Lord grows me in this; it allows me to be extra-narcissistic), struggle with sin A LOT, and have too many desires to finish school and achieve my Master's degree. Well. Thank you Lord that you have not limited the Biblical wife to those qualities.

He has made us with personalities and interests so that we can truly make up a Body. The fact that He has given me a leadership-oriented mindset isn't wrong. It must be balanced with submission to Him and my father and when the time comes, my husband. The fact that He has given me a heart that is easily joy-filled is a beautiful thing and as long as I express this under right circumstances, it is good. It's ok to have interests outside the home because it opens up teaching opportunities for my kids and evangelism opportunities as an insider. The Lord has given me a brain so that I can use it. It is not to be stored on a dusty shelf in my closet. It is to be used to bring glory to Him. And being a wife is not the only thing I have to prepare for in life. I should use this time to learn and grow and gain knowledge. Who knows how long it will be before God brings my husband and I together! It could be forty years. Maybe my good and sovereign Lord has other plans.

The key in all of this is balance. I am going to study what a gentle and quiet spirit truly means. This post is not to explain that I do not need any growth; oh so far from such things. I need growth more than ever in my life as the Lord is good to reveal sin after sin. It is simply a recognition of a lack of cookie-cutter wife in the Bible. It is an acknowledgement that He has made me with a personality. I'll be stronger in some areas than others. This is something to cherish, be thankful for and utilize for His glory. Where I lack is to be for prayer and growth and see the Lord working in my life. Weakness is good to humble me too. Sometimes I think I'm super woman. I really am not. Just think it.

Some things that people tease me about that I don't want to change are as follows:

1. My lack of sass: Sometimes I'm really sassy. It doesn't bring me joy to be sassy to my sisters and brothers. I feel like there is an acceptable amount of sass. It's a hard balance to hold but some people I know do it well. Cameron is one of these. He is sassy to me but he is also caring and respectful. I know he loves me as a sister. When I am sassy, oh my, I can be mean. I do not bring glory to my Lord. I'm just mean without knowing it and then have to apologize later. Several people have encouraged me to cultivate sass so that I can sass back to those that sass at me. I do desire that this doesn't happen. I don't balance things all that well and this one thing that I would balance very poorly. I don't want to be sassy.

2.I think the best of people most of the time until they have offended me or have proved me wrong (I do pray that this is something the Lord grows me in). Some people think it is wrong of me to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe so; it has caused me to end up in some precarious situations. I don't know. There's a balance in this too. Where it is? I do not know.

Balance.

Balance. So much of the Christian life depends on. It is easy to swing one way or the other but to have balance is something I struggle with so much. This year the Lord has been teaching me so much about balance. I feel like it is my theme right now. Unfortunately, I try to achieve balance on my own too much. It can only be done in the Lord. May I relinquish and He control.

This was supposed to much more organized than it was. Oops.