Sick and Browsing

I am currently sick. While sick, I allow myself to browse the Internet and Facebook without guilt as most of my day is spent watching movies (insert, "have watched Fireproof three times in 24 hours) because I can't focus on getting schoolwork done. Everything hurts, is spinning, or is draining or any combination of the above.

I have been making-over my dining room recently. It previously was a hodge-podge room and already I am much happier with it. The "designer" in me though is working on wall art ideas. I found this today and I want it. I'm thinking about purchasing it but haven't decided if the twenty two dollar price tag is worth it (why yes, I am a very cheap college student). I'm not sure yet but I do know that it provided fantastic inspiration for that room!

If you want one too, you can find it here.

Daddy

Daddy,

I sat in bed working on homework this afternoon while one of my Internet pages was tuned into ESPN.com so that I could keep up with the Super Bowl game. Usually I could care less--I simply didn't get your sports-interest gene but this time the Green Bay Packers were playing. As soon as I heard that the Packers had made it to the Super Bowl, my interest was peaked. Memories of your Green Bay Packers stadium replica that adorned your desk in your office and your cheese-head came flooding back and my passion for the Super Bowl was sparked for the first time in history. I rooted loudly for them as their points increased and made sure the neighborhood knew of my disapproval when the Steelers showed any sign of competition, all while Emily rolled her eyes from my bedroom floor. You see, Daddy, things like the Green Bay Packers are one of the few things that I remember about you. So, by rooting for the Packers, I was rooting for you and celebrating your life in one of the only ways I know how to anymore.

My memories of you are sparse and those that are left continue to fade. I sit in my desk chair clothed in one of your Piper Impact shirts remembering that which I can remember. I wish my memory was more capable of holding onto small delights and moments.

I must and do rejoice in Romans 8:28. Your death led to many good things because my God is faithful to His promises. I praise Him for a new family, new sisters, for New Mexico, for the opportunities and growth I have experienced. Most of all, I praise Him that out of the situation set before me at the age of ten, I later came to a saving knowledge of His wondrous works. I came to know His Son as my Savior and the Father as my Father. God you are good!

Daddy, as you died so long ago, I honestly cannot say that I know where you are for eternity; I don't have the courage to ask Mom because I fear the answer. Nonetheless, I will rejoice. I hope to see you when this earth is no longer my home but if not, my God is still my God. He is ever faithful and I shall praise Him forevermore. May His glory be my highest aim!

Sin Seen in Friendships

I have been so frustrated with myself lately. I am so sinful. This should not come as a surprise. I get riled up so easily. I am rather sensitive to teasing. I am argumentative. I get frustrated with others. My own well-being is often on the forefront of my mind instead of the gospel. I hate when I don't feel listened to because I "deserve" to be listened to. Really?! No, how self-serving I can be! I am selfish. My balance of truth and grace is not really a balance. I don't keep my word. I don't exhibit self-control. I am loud. Gentleness is often not something I exemplify or practice. I talk a lot and listen little. I am more concerned with earthly things than eternal things. I poorly balance my schoolwork. I procrastinate constantly. I do not make aggressive hospitality a lifestyle. I say a lot and do little. I hide from conflict and yet when I must, I deal with it poorly. This list doesn't even touch on many of the inward sins that only manifest themselves in subtle ways. And now, look at me, I'm throwing myself a pity party!

Some of my friendships [specifically within Navs] have afforded such comfortableness that I am much less concerned with being agreeable and not stepping on toes. We are comfortable with one another. This leads to less guard against those seemingly small sins that easily weasel their way into my daily activities. Thus, my sin is clearly visible. It is BLARING! From my viewpoint, it has sirens and is painted red. It is clear for all to see.

This is the most disgusting part of all of this. I do not hate this sin because it is disgusting and filthy to my God but because it shines a poor light on ME. I don't want these wonderfully encouraging friendships to end and the fear is that if too much sin is seen, there will not be sufficient grace on their part to cover all that they see so visibly. So silly am I.

Nonetheless, I pray that my sin becomes disgusting to me because it dishonors my God not because it dishonors my own name. I also am reminded to pursue excellence--righteousness--Christ so that I become more like Him.

I am so thankful for sanctification as painful as it might be.

#42

#42. Pray about who/what to faithfully support monthly.

This is a recent opportunity that was presented to me at the Navigators' Fall Conference. I wanted this to be something that was purposed toward the Great Commission. I wanted to be something that had some eternal value.

I went to Fall Conference and they spoke of the 10/40 Window as Christians often do. The Navigators Headquarters is sending a family from Cedar Falls, Iowa to Australia to minister there. There are a few reasons why.

1. The Navigator ministry in Australia is small yet faithful. There are few students throughout the entire continent present but those that are present are willing to labor. They have a passion and a drive to do so.

2. There are less negative feelings toward the Australians in comparison to those from the US. They are going to have more of an opportunity to build relationships with those abroad as there are less barriers to the friendship.

3. Since September 11, 2001, there are many countries that have begun sending their students elsewhere to learn English. That elsewhere being Australia. There is a huge population of international college students in Australia and thus not only will this new "plant" in Australia be one of sending but also one of ministering to students right there.

4. Australians are much more willing and likely to travel in comparison to those from the States. They are not afraid of being sent out. They are excited about being involved in such things.

I have chosen to give $10 a month to this family of six. I am excited for the opportunity to support this sweet family but also to be a part of ministering the gospel to those living in the 10/40 window.

Here's my 101 in 1001 list for reference.

#95

#95. Go to a concert.

Unfortunately there aren't any pictures from this event. Hillsong came to Albuquerque. Once my mom found out, she bought ten tickets assuming they would sell out quickly. She had planned on selling them to our friends and keeping what we needed for the family. All of the other sisters were out of town and so Mom and I were left to attend on August 2. That date might be off a bit.

It was a fun concert. Heidi, Chris, Mrs. Sharp, Chelsea, Garret, Johnathan, Carrie, Anie came with us. It ended up that Mom just gave the tickets as a gift to each of them.

I found that I'm not huge on concerts. They're loud and hot and I find them to be awkward. Do you sit or stand?! Nonetheless, I'm glad I went and completed my #95.

Here's my 101 in 1001 for reference.

All-or-Nothing

It has been crazy around here lately. Sometimes I feel like life is falling apart. That feeling comes easily when I realize that I missed an online test or when I realize I missed a day of chores.

You see I'm an "all-or-nothing" type of girl. If I can't get it all done, well, I'm not even going to attempt or at least not put any effort into it. When I've been giving my "all" to something and then realize that I missed part of that "all," that "all" isn't an "all" anymore. If there's only two options, it must revert back to a "nothing" which means failure. That is not my goal so thus this reflects poorly on me and my work ethic, and hence the feeling of "falling apart." I hope that was follow-able.

When I got in the car today to come to Flying Star, I felt conquered, crushed, in despair, forsaken, destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:7-12). Yes, I am a girl and yes, I am highly emotional. Also, referencing the above paragraph, this is the feeling that come as a result of thinking I missed a psych test. I was doing so well. Had not missed one assignment and then I realized last night that I never took the chapter 6 test nor did I do the participation reports for three days. I got on WebCT today resolved to realize my slate was wiped clean. I preached the gospel to myself and rejoiced in the grace that is so freely given.

I got on today and by God's ever-present and never ending grace, it is fall break. This means that the chapter 6 test wasn't due on Thursday night but Monday night so I hadn't missed it. I love those little things that are so little but yet bring me much joy.

Ah, to preach the gospel to myself. So often I find myself living in my sin and wallowing in it. It is right to be disgusted by my sin. It is right to hate my sin. It is right to realize my sin. It is right to be mournful over my sin knowing that it is spitting on the face of the God; the God that chose me and pulled me from the depths of the miry pit. That is right. But if that's where the thought process ends, it is all in vain. There is more to the story than my sin. Christ died on the cross for ME. My sins are GONE. They are as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). Wallowing in my sins is not trusting my God that He has removed them from me. It is saying that my God is not big enough to do so. He is not big enough to make me clean. Christ's offering on the cross did not run deep enough to cover the extent that I have sinned. Oh, what a lie such things are! My God has saved me. He has wiped all dirt from me. He has cleaned me. He has made my white as snow. My heart is now one of flesh instead of one of stone. He has made me alive! Let us rejoice!

On the second note, I'm still going to sin until I die. Yes, I have not arrived. And please forgive me if I have ever acted or spoken as if I have. I do not rely on my Savior in the capacity that I need to thus sin abounds. Apart from Christ, it is impossible for me not to sin. Sanctification is a process (reference conversation with Anna at the end of Baylor camp). It will be ongoing and it will be painful. Sometimes it will pierce and sting. Sometimes it will pain me for longer than I think I can endure such things but my God knows much better.

So, in light of sanctification and justification, my attitude that I often succumb to, "all or nothing," has no place in my life. I am going to fail and I am going to fall. It is going to hurt but I will never be in despair, crushed, forsaken, destroyed because of Christ alone. I must live to His glory. I must give all that I have--as this is my reasonable service in response to the grace that I have been shown (Romans 12:1-2) but oftentimes I will fail in that and I must still go on. I must still press forth. I still must delight myself in the grace that is given to me minute by minute on this earth.

Paralyzed No More

As I opened my planner last night, my eyes focused in on the orange written on almost every day, the blue that signifies chores for the house, the pink and purple that I rarely see because all those classes ever have are tests, the black that accompanies every Friday and Monday and the red for which I have yet to even start understanding the material. In the largest sense of the word, I am overwhelmed.

I struggled with this all last year. My fall semester was marked by apathy and a general idea of procrastination brings the grade (it always worked during high school--my best papers were written at four am). My spring semester was one of inner conflict: the desire to do well and yet not desiring to work for it. My grades reflected all that was going on inside of me. I preferred to develop closer friendships with the believers on the leadership team for Navigators, providing a home in which we could experience true fellowship. Well, true fellowship was not had. Relationships did grow and I praise God for His grace in this area but my life was far from honoring to Him for my priorities were skewed and my pursuit of holiness thrown to the wayside.

As I write this, only now do I realize, last year was marked also by pride. This all was done to prove myself. I had new friends. They had to understand how I could serve and how holy I could look. Oh, how disgusting! Fear of inadequacy lay simmering deep below the surface.

(I do want to clarify that holiness was on a back burner somewhere; by His grace it had minor focus. There was some pursuit of Him that was not empty by His grace alone)

The first Navigator SALT team leadership meeting this year started off talking about a quote from a book, "Disciples are Made, Not Born." It pointedly said, "If you are at college for any other reason than to be a missionary for Jesus Christ, you are going for selfish, sinful reasons." My first reaction was, "WHAT?!? Excuse me. God has called me to school and that is what I am supposed to be doing. Yes, the Great Commission needs to be center but I am here to get a degree so that I can serve in the capacity to which God has called me in the future. I can't believe you could even accuse me of such things. That's not selfish."

After further discussion with an extremely helpful brother in Christ, missionary made much more sense to me. Missionary is someone who goes to live somewhere and immerses themselves in the culture in which they are now living. Without the cultural immersion (not including that which is unbiblical), one is not able to relate to the people. Applying this to college, if I were to pursue excellence in my studies, I am being a missionary. Studying is part of the college culture. It is a necessary part of the college culture in which I can blatantly bring glory to my King who gives me the ability to keep my eyes open and my brain processing. I cannot be a missionary unless I am pursuing excellence in this area.

My motivation for my studies has returned this semester. It is nowhere near the battle that I had with my flesh last semester (that I lost more than daily). I have been enjoying my schoolwork and find all that I'm studying extremely interesting.

As I look over my planner and the twenty quizzes, six tests, and three assignments that are all due before this month ends, I am worried not over the amount of work but over my inadequacy. The work will happen; there are several other students that have done it in the past and are doing it presently. Six science classes in one semester has been done before, I think. I worry that I am inadequate to do such things though. This paralyzes me. This causes me to desire to throw myself into social interaction or cooking or cleaning. Those are things that I can do but all of that work. I am incapable.

This is a reality check and a reminder. My feelings of inadequacy are based in truth. I am correct--I CANNOT do it. I am totally and completely incapable. Praise God for overwhelming amounts of work knowing that it serves as a reminder of my human frailty. Also I turn my attention to John 15. He makes me clean. I was not qualified but in Him I am. It is Him working through me, not me. May He bring glory unto Himself by working through me. May His name be proclaimed in the most brutally practical way possible: by pursuing excellence in my schoolwork even when it means not sleeping eight hours every night. May He be my strength and my song. May my delight be found in Him.

I needed to be reminded.